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Parent Filter: What can I do about this parent/child role reversal that is poisoning my mind and my life and how can I let this parent know that even though I love them dearly I will not continue to let them manipulate me and dump all of their responsibilities on to my plate???

Long story short, my widowed mother (who is young by definition - late sixties) let her life go to hell in a hand basket. My DH and I moved her in with us so that we could give her care and keep her from living the horrible existence that she was (dirty house, unable to take care of the pets she had, not eating right - living off of crap - and not managing her severe diabetes). When we moved her in with us, my DH and I were both 27 years old and had only been married for 5 months. That was over 3 years ago.

She doesn't give a damn about her health and always has a convenient excuse to justify what she feels like doing or not doing. She almost put herself in a diabetic coma once because she didn't manage her diabetes even though the doctor had clearly ordered her to do so. Obviously it is perfectly fine to eat a huge tin of peppermint bark that you had hidden in your room and then try to balance it out with insulin injections.... Right! And she has so many health conditions (osteoarthritis, obesity, fibromyalgia, SEVERE diabetes and the many complications that are resulting from the diabetes) not to mention her appalling lack of self-maintenance and personal hygiene... Two months ago, she fell and broke her leg. She wound up in the hospital and had to have surgery to repair the break. This has left her as non-weight bearing for 3 months. She is obese and cannot walk without a walker when she has two legs to walk on. So she has had to go to a nursing home until she can rehabilitate but has been very unhappy about that reality and has tried to get out of the rehab requirement on more than one occasion. She actually told my husband and I that she would be fine if she would just sit at home in her recliner while we went to work and if we made her some PBJ sandwiches and a glass of water so she could make it through the day until we got home. This is crazy... We told her no and I don't think she gets it.....

She has alienated my other siblings through her master manipulator bullshit and as a result I have lost one of my siblings (no longer speaks to my mother or myself) and the other is only helping out/sticking around because they love me and want to support me/not leave me hanging. My mother has nothing to do all day long but sit around and read trashy novels, but somehow she can't seem to manage making her own doctor appointments (even though I set up a HIGHLY convenient calender which has everyone's schedule on it - hence eliminating the excuse of 'I can't make appointments since I don't know what your schedules are and someone has to take me to the doctor). Did I forget to mention that she quit driving for no particular reason?

My husband and I have REPEATEDLY sat down with her and told her that her current situation and methodology in handling it has been unacceptable. Take a shower, change your clothes, wash your hair, eat right, exercise wherever and however you can, and for the love of god, start acting like a member of the living human race!!! Now last time I checked, she was not declared mentally incompetent and I was not appointed as her guardian. In my mind, this means that my family and I do what we need to do in order to make her life at home comfortable within reason. This does not mean that I am supposed to be her personal assistant/secretary and that she can just sit back and be the Queen of Sheba with no responsibilities what so ever. It also does not mean that she can just sit there and let herself be filthy and stink just because it takes so much effort to take a shower. And god forbid she does take that shower and clean herself up! Then she can't do anything for the rest of the day because it "took so much out of" her...

Yes, I am at fault for allowing this behavior to go on for as long as I have. But I have had my awakening and I also have a infant son who needs his mother since he is in fact a baby and cannot take care of himself. Therefore here are the questions that I have at hand:

# 1 - How can I convey that I am done catering to her, that she is an adult and needs to be responsible for herself and that I am invoking the protective shield of self-preservation immediately?

#2 - Once I have established the bare minimum requirements for her, how do enforce them? I know that one thing I can use is "if you don't/can't meet these expectations then we aren't equipped to take care of you anymore". The only problem with that is that it will become an empty threat if used too much. What other repercussions can I use?

# 3 - How can I break free of her manipulation of me through guilt? I need to rid myself of those shackles in order to be strong and not allow further mind games by the master manipulator.

Please feel free to e-mail me with any questions that you might have or any suggestions you can offer. I've set up a throw-away email address at: preserving.my.sanity@gmail.com

Should I/how do I propose the idea of getting a masters degree to my boss?

I have been working as a programmer at a state organization for a year and a half. It's my first job out of college. As jobs go, it's great, even though I quietly feel underworked. I have always intended to go to grad school at some point, most likely towards an MLS or MIS. (A little family and peer pressure mixed in, too.) I graduated with a BA in computer science but I want to move away from the code monkey pit. My organization offers tuition reimbursement for two 3-hour courses a semester (!) at a mega-good state school down the street.

I'd need to propose the idea to my boss first. I have the feeling that asking in the wrong way could jinx my relations with him. Is a year and a half of employment too soon to pursue career advancement? My boss is using the same program to pursue a PhD, but he's been here since 2001. He only does one course a semester, which is what I would do as well...two courses + work = death.

If you can resolve the 'if' for me, there's still the 'how.' What do I say to my boss so it doesn't come across as 'I secretly hate you and this job.'?

I started a new job a couple months ago at a small company, and since then, there has been some theft of company property.

A computer was stolen, some HDMI cables, and a phone. Everyone seems to agree that it was either a current or former employee, since our office requires three different keys and a security code to get in. Because the thefts happened since I was hired (and to my knowledge, there were no such incidents prior to my arrival), I can't help but feel like I'm the prime suspect, and I'm suffering some moderate paranoia because of it. Compounding this is the fact that I'm pretty shy and I think this sometimes comes off as stand-offishness, and I worry that this makes me seem shifty, or at least less trustworthy.

I'm hoping that the security-code thing has some type of log that will prove that I wasn't there during the time the stuff was stolen. But until then, should I just try to relax and feel secure in the knowledge that I didn't steal the stuff? Or should I take some action to head off further suspicion?

Have I done enough to help this person? I rented a spare room to a distant relative; now the situation has gone sour (and very smelly).

Backstory: In November I rented a 'studio room' in my house to a distant relative who had fallen on hard times. (Lost her job, about to be evicted.) I did not know this person at all until I was told of her situation by my mother. So I met "Amy", and with some misgivings offered her the room, mainly because it was a charitable act my father would have done. We agreed to try things out for a couple months.

I rent my own house, but the Landlord allows me to sublet this room. There is a 'no pets' clause in my lease, but I got approval for Amy to keep a couple birds she said she had. She signed a month-to-month rental agreement with me for $400, all utilties included.

The Problem: Amy didn't have just 2 birds, she has 2 medium parrots and 16 parakeets. Amy is also a slob/hoarder or something. This small room (9x11) is almost completely filled by the bird cages. There is crap (bird stuff, old newspapers, garbage, etc) all over the floor. She literally lives in squalor, and the stench from the birds filters up through the forced air heat ducts into my living space directly above. It is horrid.

I gave her official 30 days notice on Dec. 15, but told her she could stay if she got rid of the birds. To her that's impossible- the birds are her companions like a pet cat or dog.

Jan 15 is soon, and 'Amy' has not found other lodging. She has minimal $$, no steady job, and lousy credit (This started when she 'borrowed' $2000 from my Mom,and she did not pay the Dec. or Jan. rent) If I evict her she will surely be homeless. She has no other relations in the area. I assume I will have to go to the courts to have her evicted.

I've never been a landlord before, and I do want to help this person, but I think I've done all I can. So, I need some affirmation or alternatives, please.

Career in the medical field that doesn't involve blood or needles?

I was laid off in early December (YAY!) and shortly thereafter begin helping a lady from my church. She is in stage 4 bone cancer and is in and out of the hospital. I've basically become her companion, doing everything from dispensing meds, taking her to and from the doctor, staying with her in the hospital, etc. I've also taken care of all of her financial issues, disability, etc.

In my previous position, I did marketing and graphic design.

My question is this: What can I do in the medical field that would actually help people, but doesn't involve blood or needles? At the sight of blood my knees get weak and needles seriously make me pass out. Just SEEING them. I've tried forcing myself to watch medical procedures and look at pictures of wounds, etc. In the ER Sat night a nurse was teasing me about my dislike of needles by shoving a needle in my face and I about passed out.

I'd love to go to school and become a nurse, however I think that with my "issues" that's just out of the question. But I want to help people! I've enjoyed what I'm doing, basically acting as a social worker. I realize that I could always do social work, but I'd like to hear of a few other things I could do.


I'm willing to go to school/college. I'm 30 if that helps.

Suggestions? Ideas?

An open letter to Tennessee communities harmed by the coal ash spill.

An open letter to Tennessee communities harmed by the coal ash spill.

Would anyone be able to help me uncover remnants of a 1999 era blog called Evol Star or something to that effect? Details inside.

The blog was before the height of LiveJournal and MySpace, and it was run by two girls who may or may not have lived in Texas. I always assumed they were roommates. There interests seemed to drift between the Gorillaz, Noam Chomsky, design, and, again, maybe Texas. The girls were hip and featured quite a few photos of themselves and their flat on the website.

There were quite a few introspective, twentysomething styled posts about adult life and that sort of thing, and I, much younger at the that, always thought their blog was the coolest thing out there. Any chance anyone knows what happened to these women?

Google, the Wayback Machine, and MySpace have failed me. My Google-Fu is decent enough, and I would think, given the content that I remember, that these two would have kept on with their internet lives.

Help make my own DVR. I have basic cable, an Xbox with XBMC, and an Xbox 360 in the living room, and a Windows Vista desktop machine in the bedroom. I want to be able to record shows on a schedule and watch in the living room. What's the best way to do it?

More about my setup:

I have basic cable straight from the wall outlet and don't use any type of cable box. There is a cable outlet in the living room and in the bedroom.

The Xbox has the latest version of Xbox Media Center, while the 360 is stock. Both are on my wireless G network.

The Vista machine does not have any type of tuner card, although I am open to installing one if needed (if so, a recommendation would be great).

I want to be able schedule recordings either via the TV or computer (doesn't matter), and ultimately be able to watch any recording on demand via the living room TV.

I'm guessing I could achieve this with the 360 and Windows Media Center on the PC, but are there any other solutions available using the hardware I have at hand? Or is that the way to go? Any suggestions appreciated.

How can I merge mp4's with out re-encoding, or losslessly?

I have 21 minute TV shows, divided up in to 3 clips seven minutes each. I need to merge them or join them into one large clip in mp4 format, the three clips are mp4 format. I tried Mediacoder, but that re-encodes them so it takes about a half hour.. I have 50 shows so thats not possible..
I need to merge the clips losslessly so it should be quick. I know YAMB can do this, but when I try, part 1's audio shows with video from part 2. I don't know how to fix it.

The cover of a major financial publication warns: If you're holding U.S. Treasuries, GET OUT NOW!
As has been noted previously, investors have headed for the financial equivalent of a bomb shelter -- U.S. Treasury bills and notes -- triggering an epic rise in prices and pushing yields (which move inversely to prices) to zero. Now, with a weakening dollar and gold prices holding steady, some see Treasuries as a bubble that's about to pop. Who will apply the pinprick?

Will it be Japan, which holds half a trillion of our debt? The president of a Japanese credit rating agency says the land of the rising sun should write off its holdings of U.S. Treasuries or start building U.S. roads and bridges in what he sees as Marshall Plan II.

Japan's holdings of U.S. debt is second only to China's, which has announced plans to build its way out of economic collapse. Analysts worry that it may dump its massive stockpile of U.S. debt to pay for it.

Another ominous sign: the price of an index funds that shorts (bets against) long-term Treasuries is on the way up.

If the bears are right and this bubble pops, it could be really bad:Because foreign holdings represent a significant proportion of the stock of Treasuries outstanding, a collapse in Treasuries prices might soon be reflected in a collapse of the US dollar, with the accompanying threat of hyper-inflation in the USA and depression elsewhere. At that point, many investors might wish they still enjoyed the comparative calm of the ‘credit crunch’. Via the FT's excellent Alphaville blog.

Advice on making those insulated plastic patio covers?

Hey, I am working with a buddy to build some off those heavy plastic insulated patio covers for a local bar. Basically, theres a covered patio thats awesome in the summertime and unusable in the winter because it's too cold. I wanted to know if anyone had any advice for putting these together. Has anyone ever made these before?

Basically they are long sheets of heavy plastic that hang from the ceiling and velcro together. I can't find any good pics online so maybe I'm calling them the wrong thing but it's pretty simple-- think screened in porch only instead of screens you have plastic to keep the heat in.

How do I rent a 4wd car (in Santa Barbara, CA)?

I plan on driving to San Francisco and then Tahoe over MLK weekend.

Because part of the point is to get up skiing in Tahoe with a friend, I would really like to have 4wd so I don't have to worry about chains (I no longer own a car so I don't have a pair, and I wouldn't want to put em on a rental anyways). But, since there will only be 2 passengers, and it's a lot of flat miles from here to SF, I really don't need a full SUV-- what I want is the smallest, cheapest car I can find, which I can drive in snow as-is.

I can't figure out how to search rental agency offerings for 4wd cars; I can ask for an SUV but they are pricey and more car than I really need (esp. because the roads might not be snowy that weekend anyhow!) Do any of the other common designations mean 4wd and I just don't know?



Extra fun: I actually don't care how I get to SF, but flying from SBA is too expensive (c. 500$), flying through LAX would take as long as just driving up, and the Amtrak is *so* slow. If you have other methods of getting up there feel free to share!

Can you help me appreciate travel?

I've got a great job that requires a little bit of travel, every now and then. All expenses paid, etc. But I F@%*ING HATE TO TRAVEL, especially when I have to leave my family at home, which is usually the case with work travel.

I know there are a lot of road warriors on MeFi ... can you impart to me some of the romance of the road, help me see this for the great opportunity it is rather than the bleak "oh god, I gotta go away for a few days" that I view it as right now? I mean, I feel almost sick to my stomach at the thought of traveling for more than a few days ... why can't I view it as an adventure rather than something awful I "have" to do?

My family was a military fam, but dad retired before he had me - as a result, all of my siblings saw the world and have total wanderlust, but I'm the homebody of the crew. Are there books I can read, blogs I can subscribe to, meditations, podcasts, whatever ... or just general advice that can make me excited about travel?

Help! I need banana stickers!

Specifically, I need Metalocalypse-type banana stickers.

I have seen these and these on Amazon.com, but they only contain 8 banana stickers apiece, and that's just no fun.

Also, they're kinda small.

I've also tried googling "banana stickers" but I've only come up with banana sticker collections or banana stickers that don't look like the banana stickers on the show.

Anyone know where I could order banana stickers that look like the ones shown on Metalocalypse?

Many as-of-yet to-be-surprised College Students would thank you!!

What are some good Linux programs for keeping an electronic research journal?

I write a lot when I am thinking about a problem. Writing helps me organize my thoughts. Now that I'm starting a PhD I want to move away from the pen-and-paper method I used in my master's, mainly because organization and information retrieval became very difficult after a year or two.

I'm using Ubuntu Linux (though I could try Windows programs under WINE, I guess). I tried a few programs so far, recently TomBoy, but I wasn't sold on it. I don't like the TomBoy interface where little notes fly up in new windows; I'd prefer something closer to a tabbed text-editor with indexing and timestamps. My style is not so much creating structured information like a database or wiki, but rather dumping bursts of text into the screen every now and then. I don't want to spend a lot of time thinking about organizing information; instead, I want to able to open the program, start typing, and then click somewhere to have it filed away. Any ideas?

Back in '95 while I was in Thailand on a movie shoot, one of the locals on the crew was playing some bubble gum-sounding Thai pop music I found kind of catchy. I would like to find it again, but I don't know what it was. I asked him the name of the band at the time and he said what I took to be either Mister Moss or Mister Mars. Either way, I can't find it. Does it ring a bell?

I have Final Cut Studio 2. I've been asked by my mom to assemble a small edit of all the videos shot on point-and-shoot still cameras during our family vacation this year. When I try bringing the files directly into FCP, it's buggy / i can't edit without problems. I assume there's some conversion I need to do before bringing them in but nothing seems to work.

I've tried opening the files in Quicktime and exporting them as .dv and .mov files, then bringing those into FCP. Still, problems persist (audio beeps like unrendered, and when I render, it immediately goes red again - needing render).

There has to be some way of converting these files so I can edit them in something better than iMovie.

It seems a frame rate problem. The camera's 15fps and the timeline is 24. Is there some way of conforming the timeline settings to the footage capture settings, so I'm editing in a 15fps timeline?

I'm trying to raise my son to be bilingual in English and Spanish.

I'm Chilean, but spent a good part of my childhood in the US and lived there for 2 years as an adult, so I'm close to 100% bilingual in Spanish and English and have a US accent. My wife lived in the US for 1 year, and speaks some English with a Spanish accent.

We currently live in Chile and speak to each other in Spanish. She speaks to our son in Spanish, I speak to him in English. I set the TV's audio channel to English for cartoons.

He's 1.25 years old and starting to speak, but only in Spanish, except for "Mommy". He seems to understand me, however.

I'm worried that as I'm the only English speaking person in his life, he won't really learn to speak the language.

Any tips, research or experience on how to make a bilingual kid is very appreciated.

I have a recipe for kidney beans which calls for a pressure cooker. How can I modify it to be made without one?

The recipe is from an Indian cookbook, and in the introduction the author says that many recipes call for a pressure cooker 'in order to make traditionally slow-cooked dishes in less time,' so I assume this can be done without one. I'm just not sure exactly how.

The relevant part of the recipe:

"Soak the kidney beans overnight in water to cover by 2 inches. Then drain and place them in a pressure cooker, along with the cardamom pods, cinnamon, turmeric, salt, and 4 cups water. Secure the lid of the pressure cooker, place over high heat, and cook until the gauge indicates high pressure, then cook about 1 minute more. Reduce the heat to low and continue to cook another 3 minutes. Then remove from the heat and allow pot to depressurize on its own, 15 to 20 minutes. Carefully open the lid and check to see if the beans are very soft, with some of them broken; if not, cover, bring up to pressure again, and cook under pressure another minute. Or cover and boil until soft, about 1/2 hour."